Fake Smiles

Stress.

I remember when I used to smile,

showing my teeth all the while.

Now it takes so much effort to move

Doesn't anyone see it?

I was once an actress

but why do we have to play a part

in a theatre that should be fully dedicated to ourselves?

This theatre must be my comfort zone

because every single day

the applause gets louder...

but what have I done to deserve it?

I snap, I break

the applause becomes an earth quake

I'm screaming, I'm falling

Please, God, don't take me to that place.

I wanna stay whole

I wanna stay in tact.

But please, God, please don't bring me back

to the place where I stay idle

flashing only fake smiles.

Take me somewhere with a yellow brick road

No forks to misguide me.

Show me right where I need to go

To that shining Emerald City.

Where nothing can touch me.

...smile because it happened...

Realize What You Have

Why do so many people lose their lives in random terrorist attacks? Why do children develop cancer? Why does ANYONE develop cancer? Why do we lose the one person we ask God to keep safe? Why do we get separated from the people who made us the happiest? Why do we ever feel pain, and why do we have to cry?

It doesn't seem fair, that we live through all this pain, this suffering. But it's life. In fact, if we didn't have these times of darkness, we would never learn to appreciate the light. That cliche, that you never know what you have until its gone, can be true in this case. If we always had happiness, sure, it sounds like a better life, but those things that make us so happy would no longer be a big deal, and we would never really realize what we have... we would never be able to appreciate it.

So, live through the pain, keep it in mind... but in the end, just... smile because it happened...

Remember

The things we want to remember most

We most quickly forget

And the time we want to forget

There's no way to get rid of it

Move on, move out

Get away, get involved

But does that really help?

How can you control it?

"Just don't think about it."

...much easier said than done

But what happens when the things we once wanted to remember

we now wish we'd forget?

What do you do then?

Hide it, embrace it,
live and learn,
love and forget:

either way you'll never get what you wanted.

either way, you are not yourself.

So why do we try?

Why were we even given memories at all?

A blessing, or a curse...

Remember love, remember a song

remember a person,

remember who you wanted to be

remember who you are

think of all the good times

think of all the bad
...memories all the same...

Eventually they will all fade.

Then will you wish you'd never wished them away?

...smile because it happened...

Back-Breaking

I continue to keep my mouth shut, my teeth gritted. There's no getting out of this. It's life, no questions. Get over it. My back is breaking... but someone else's, somewhere, is already broken. Why should I complain? Just smile, and move on with life. But it seems like every time someone smiles at me, I feel obligated to smile back... but I feel guilty when all I can offer is a strained grin that doesn't even attempt to feign happiness. It feels like the stress just paralyzes the muscles in my face... making a smile almost a wince of pain.

So now I have to stress about showing my stress? Great.

I don't really like complaining. I never have. Don't get me wrong, I complain... but I don't really like to. Not as much as I feel like I do now. I want to keep my mouth shut, forget about it, just deal with it, because everyone else deals with it too, right? Yeah, to some extent. It just seems really hard right now, and I don't understand why. So many expectations, from so many different people... how much is one person able to do? I guess I'm going to find out...

But at what expense?

I love helping people, I really do. Nothing makes me feel more accomplished than when I've helped someone out in some way... but how much can I really take?

Once I find out, I'll let you know... and just... smile because it happened...

Give and Take

"Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting."

An important lesson many still have to learn. No matter where you are in life, there is always someone who has it worse than you. And it really only makes sense to give and help what you can to help those who truly do have it worse than you. It doesn't have to be a big contribution. Maybe buying a warm dinner for a homeless person, or donating money to the Red Cross, or some other charity. Or, perhaps, its just lending a shoulder to cry on or an ear for listening. The smallest action can make a difference in someone's life. Even if not for a long time, for some amount of time.

Or maybe its not charity, maybe its paying for your friends' lunch when they left their money at home, or helping a classmate with homework they're having trouble with. Giving is giving, no matter who it is directed towards.

In that spirit of giving, it only makes sense that one should not expect anything in return. The whole point of charity is to hep those who are less fortunate, not gain from those who are less fortunate. Seems like common sense to me, but greed has started to take over, generation by generation, and seemingly only getting worse. Our entire lives, we are told the importance of money and wealth, and it seems that the objective is not to become a successful man or woman in ones' profession, but the wealthiest, the most fortunate. Then, once one reaches that desired level of wealth, they are told that they should donate money to charity... and some do. But honestly, most of them are hypocrites. They strive to be known for doing their "good deeds", not for its effect. A truly charitble person doesn't care to be known at all. It kind of reminds me of that passage in the Bible, where Jesus tells his disciples that those who pray in the streets are hypocrites, that the true believers will pray behind closed doors. The concept of giving should be purely for giving, not for expecting anything in turn, and not to be held over someone's head for the rest of their life. When you give, simply give, and forget. God will remember, and so will the other person, so you don't have to worry about it.

On that same note, many times, people forget what they are given in their lives. When children disrespect their parents, they forget that the parents gave them life, shelter, food, water... well, most parents do. (I do understand there are a few exceptions to this statement). But most commonly, there is really nothing that the children have a right to complain about. Then, there are those who recieve kindness, someone returning a lost item, someone cooking dinner, paying for a meal, being there when no one else was... all are acts of kindness, that one does usually because they care about that person or the person's well being. And when someone complains, saying that they never get a break, that they have to do everything by themselves, they are deliberately disrespecting those who make an effort to aid them.

Why giving has become such a contest, I will never know. I myself am guilty of it, and I have to catch myself. I'm still working to become someone who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

And when I become that person, I'll just... smile because it happened.

Delusional People Annoy Me

I get it. Education is important. I agree. What I do not agree with, however, is the fact that we spend eight hours of our day, not including extra time in the morning, and extra curriculars, at school. We only have 120 hours of life in one school week, one third (if not more) of which are spent at school. Then, at least an extra forty hours should be allotted for sleep, according to most scientists on teenage and childhood development. Leaving us with 40 or less hours in a week for anything else we have going on. Okay. That I can deal with, its part of life, preparing us for work as adults. I get it.

Our classes are about an hour and a half long. That should be more than enough time to get the point across, right? Sure, projects and other activities have to be added in to make sure everything is understood. That's fine. So, the teacher assigns homework. Homework that is purely intended to help the student learn the information, I'm all for. I'm a straight A Honor's student, and the only way to stay that way is to understand what I'm being taught.

Now I'm just wondering... does it take an entire packet, due by next class, to get said point across? A small review, a few problems... not much more is necessary. Believe me. WE GET IT. And those who have trouble can come to the teacher and ask for help. That works, right? Apparently not, because we are loaded with tons of homework almost every night. And people wonder why kids hate school so much? They don't have a life! I'm not talking about hanging out with friends... they don't even have time to spend with their families.

So we get a lot of homework. For pretty much every class. It's possible to get it done in the two nights, I agree. I never don't do my work. I do as much as I need to do to get the work done. However, sometimes this can really rack up in hours... sometimes up to four hours of homework every night. Admittedly, I take a break to change songs, or to allow my mind to rest for a short while or so... But my main focus for those hours is homework.

And maybe four hours isn't so bad, every night, if you spread it out. But here's another issue. We are pushed to join clubs, to get involved in school, to be an active member of the community, and to get fit. I agree, all are very important. But when are we supposed to have time? Not everything can be fit into the two days called weekends, which I call my make-up work time. Take myself for example. I'm a cheerleader. So, at least two hours of my day is spent practicing for cheerleading Monday through Thursday, Wednesday I have two practices, which adds another hour, then Friday, when there is a football game, I can be involved for up to five hours. Okay. So Monday through Thursday is eleven hours, then the other five would make sixteen more hours out of my week, putting me down to twenty four hours. One full day of time for myself. Right?

Wrong, because I'm involved in so many other activities, that twenty four hours is used up extremely fast. On top of cheerleading, I'm a KOM mentor, NHS member, I'm also in band, chorus, FCA, Key Club, and plan on joining AYL, CEC, and Beta Club. I realize that I sign myself up for it. But that's what I'm expected to do, be involved, be a cheerleader, but keep my grades up, and keep my friends. I'm managing, but why does it have to be this difficult?

Apparently not. And in case you were wondering, I have to dip into my sleeping hours, much like other students, to be able to complete everything I need to finish. I only get anywhere from 20 to 30 hours of sleep per school week. Crazy huh?

So, let's review. Doctors and researchers are delusional, because apparently they can't collaborate with the teachers to figure out that we don't have enough time in the day to do everything they're telling us we need to do: sleep at least 8 hours a night, get involved, keep good grades, do all your homework, be a good friend, be a good person, get healthier, work out more. DELUSIONAL. It's not possible in my schedule, I'd like to meet the person who can... because I'm out of hours.

Weekends help... but honestly, two days out of seven does not provide near enough relief from the stress. I'm not saying that homework is the only thing to blame here, I realize that students sign themselves up for clubs... but I do think that more realistic expectations should be enforced. It just doesn't seem right that when someone doesn't have enough time to do anything, its their sleep, the most important time for acquiring energy for the body, that suffers.

All in all, delusional people annoy me.

But, once I'm out of school, I'll just...smile because it happened...

The Place I Belong

"One who goes back to his home does not consider the night too dark. He knows his way."- Uganda

Home. There's no better place. Honestly there's not. But let's not get confused. Home isn't just where I live, because that's not what makes a home. A home is something you cannot sell, cannot buy, and cannot find driving around the block. It doesn't work that way. In fact, a home doesn't have to be a physical house at all. Home is the place that you feel safest, feel happiest. Whatever place that is for you... I'm glad you have one, because I'm still looking for mine.

A few years ago, when my dad was thinking about buying a new house, he was talking to the previous owner about the whole process of having a house on the market. My dad, unknowingly, asked about having a "home" on the market. Then the man replied, "I'm not selling my home. I'm selling my house. There's a difference."

It was one of the most insightful quotes I had ever heard at that point in my life. At least, the most insightful from someone who wasn't a pastor or a politician... he was just an ordinary man, selling his house to my dad.

Okay. So home. It doesn't have to be a physical place. And to be perfectly honest, I'm not so sure I've found mine yet. I have so much going on in my life, its hard to say that I have just one place that I like to be, that I feel safest. But I do have a couple candidates. Maybe home is where my family is, where my mom is. My mom has always been my role model, and the one person I can trust to come through on their promise.

Then again... maybe home is where my best friends are. Not necessarily school, because there are some people I'm not too comfortable around... So I guess in this case, home is just a mental condition, a party or a gettogether where I have the few best friends that I really have.

On another thought... maybe home is where there is music involved. Music has been my favorite hobby and a figurative security blanket for as long as I can remember. I feel happiest where music is playing... so maybe that is home.

Sounds a little unreliable, doesn't it? I don't even have a definite place to consider a home. But at the same time, maybe having a few different places that I could consider home is better, because that means more places that I feel safe.

And when I do finally decide where my home, or homes, truly are, I'll just... smile because it happened.

Get Out of My Way!

Dear freshmen and select few of upperclassmen,

My name's Breanna. Nice to meet you. I'm a tall, blonde junior who usually walks pretty fast to get to where she wants to go. I don't stop and talk, so consequently I don't have a whole lot of time to deal with your meandering and casual conversations. So, when you see me coming (and believe me, I'm not easy to miss in this hallway), get out of my way. Take a step to the side, or start walking faster, because I do not have the patience to deal with you today, or any other day. I have enough people getting on my nerves, I don't need you too.

Thanks,

Yours Truly,
Breanna

                                      P.S.: If and WHEN I run you over for walking too slow... just...

smile because it happened.